Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Black Hole

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if life was just the way you had always imagined it to be? The stories you hear others tell are ones you know aren't nearly as good as your own because you've always had the support you need, things always falling into place just as they should and bad endings never existing. A journey where you never have to experience pain, physical or emotional. A trip through life in which you are always on the fast road to happy and your life moves along just as you had always played it out in your mind. Perfect. But perfect doesn't exist.

Just so you have a visual I'm thinking family cohesiveness no matter what the cost~and after watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation the other night I envision it as basically Christmas with all the family together under one roof minus the chaos demonstrated in the movie, the Demi/Bruce after-the-D-Word destruction family situation that was not destruction at all and always having family nearby to enjoy.

Yes, I moved away from home.
Yes, my parents divorced.
Yes, I also divorced and spent 2-1/2 years in and out of court due to circumstances beyond my control.
Yes, things changed.........a lot. And no, the road was not an easy one.

Do you ever feel you are that little child who only needs mommy and daddy at certain moments in your life? The moments where you know that it's just the "mommy/daddy love" that can make it all better. (My little one calls it "mommy love" and always asks for it when she is not feeling well and needs medicine, has a boo-boo needing medicine and a Band-Aid or wants her lunch made for school.) Does that feeling ever go away? Wishing to go back.

I'm struggling here and I'm not sure which way to go. I realize this is very personal, something that some may shudder to read wondering what I was thinking when I decided to type this and put my thoughts down somewhere. And above all a bit cryptic. Sorry.

Most who know me know that when I stood in the line to choose the things I was going to experience in life know I did not choose wisely. Or at least that is what I think. There is one claim I have heard of and that is we all choose our parents and we choose what we will experience in life as to what lessons we need to learn.

I also know there is another claim and that is that God knows how many hairs are on each of our heads and that He has a very divine plan for each of us.

Whichever it is I don't particularly think much of it. Now, I know you're thinking I am feeling sorry for myself at this point but that isn't the case. It's more of a soul-searching mission if anything at all.

I completely understand that it could be much worse, and I am familiar with plenty of people who have had to endure situations much worse than what I have trudged through so don't curse me for saying that. We each own our own horror and putting a tag on how bad it is for one over another isn't fair. I know how important it is that I have my health (save for my near-death experience several weeks ago and a heart procedure in 2005, both of which could have resulted in the dirt being thrown on me or rather the flames keeping me toasty since I prefer cremation over being 6-feet under) my healthy and beautiful children, a wonderful and sweet hubby, the best sister a girl could ever have and people I mean this from the bottom of my heart, parents and step-parents who love me, a home and super great friends, some of whom I consider family regardless of how the blood flows through their veins. Yes, the things that matter. What boggles my mind are things that are beyond my control. Things that I think a normal person would find absurd continue to haunt me. I don't want to get into specifics here because I know there is the potential for hurt feelings somewhere along the line and that is the last thing I want to do but there is also the beating of the dead horse in one of these particular circumstances.

If I could just be a bit more like children are before they have experienced so much in life they become jaded and the world takes on a much darker cast than it had when they were young. Maybe innocent is the word I am looking for. If I could just accept the fact that I have absolutely no control over any of this stuff and the only control I exude is the control for myself~for my thoughts and my actions. If I could accept what actually is maybe I could finally not find myself in this black hole. The problem I have with all this is I want an explanation. I want a reason. I want an answer. I want to know why. I want to know what was being thought and continues to be thought because I feel that will help me to understand. I don't understand. I don't get what has happened and I don't understand why. Things have changed so much and I just don't get it. Why has that happened? Why is there no ownership?

I just want some closure and I really would love for some things to be the way they were. The way I remember them being. The way they made me feel. It felt so good that way. I want some things back. Some things I want to go away but most of all I want answers.

The one thing I do understand more than anything at all is that I will never, ever get the things I am asking for. And somehow I need to find a way to be at peace with that.


Shan in Japan said...

Traci, I wish I had answers for you. I so want to answer those questions for you.

Shell said...

I know how you feel Princess-let me give you peace thru my friendship and thru starbucks!


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