Thursday, July 05, 2012

MIA


**disclaimer

So I've been a little MIA for quite sometime now.  In fact, I've been so out of the loop that Blogger has actually changed again.  I was just getting used to the last changes and now I've got to completely figure this out again.  Nice. 

So I think I mentioned a while ago, somewhere back eons ago (yep, I totally did, that post right. down. there. that was months ago) that I just really wasn't feeling myself.

So as this time was passing no blog posts were being posted.  Here and there I would set up posts in my head, totally blowing it out of the water thinking it could possibly be an award winning post covering world hunger and global unity but it never happened.  There they were in my head being produced but I never put fingers to the keys.  I realize that most of you probably do not care about what I have to say (and I probably don't even know most of you) but you may be here reading this, sooooo....all's I can say is lucky you!  Anyway, tonight I did just that, concocted that superior blog post in my head.  All official and clever and just, really bare myself, for everyone to see but of course I don't remember a thing I was going to say now that I'm typing away.  Typical. 

And somehow I do this so much better in my head like I could be addressing heads of states or something, or so it seems.  Maybe I should put that little recorder that I purchased for "other" things to use and record what I am thinking so I can transcribe it into a post.  How ironic that would be, huh?! 

Approximately February of 2011 something happened to me that threw me off my course.  I never really could put my finger on it but I knew I felt different. Heck, I was different.  I'm still not feeling like me.  Like all of a sudden I changed over night and somehow I wasn't even thinking how I had thought the previous day before.  Okay, it may have not been that drastic with how I was thinking but I'm serious, some switch flipped.  Not in a bad way or anything like I wasn't going to go off on the next person who wronged me on the road or in the market or anything but something just changed in me and I couldn't figure out what was happening.  I mean, here's an example.  I used to be so excited about certain things (I will not list these things as I do not intend to make anyone feel bad and please get your mind out of the gutter because this has absolutely nothing to do with gutters) and all of a sudden I really didn't care if I did these things or not and when I did do them they did not fulfill me as they once had.  In fact, my entire demeanor was different when I did do those certain things compared to previously.  And it wasn't all things, it was only certain things ~ things that actually had defined who I was as a person previous to this switch flipping.  I struggled to try to figure out why and days where I felt like maybe, just maybe I was getting back to my old self were merely hours where I was somehow tricked into thinking that maybe I was reemerging as the old me.  I tend to think it was a good thing that there was still sparkle in there somewhere, that I knew wanted out.  So one day as I was talking to the Mister about it he mentioned that he had noticed the change too and he suggested something I had not thought of.

No, I'm not nuts!  And no, I am so not bipolar.  Truth.

He summed it up by saying that he felt that my spirit had been crushed.  Wow.  Did the heavens just open up and did I hear the angels sing?

You know, I almost felt like that was the closest explanation as I could possibly come up with.  When he suggested that I actually felt better because I honestly felt like he may have hit the nail on the head.  It made sense and it was actually something that I felt happened to me.  Like really happened as I could pinpoint certain things or incidents that just really beat me down.  Finally that straw that broke the camels back, I guess.  And at the moment of the change that I felt the biggest thing going on in my life was that I had just recently changed jobs and was completely miserable about how things were going at this supposed "wonderful" company. And the things I saw and the wonderful things I put up with AGAIN.  You know, bullying isn't only a sport for the youngsters....it happens all the time to people of all ages.

It's only been a couple weeks since he mentioned this to me.  I've been really trying to figure out how to fix this but unfortunately I keep running into walls and road blocks that keep me from living the life I had intended to live.  So much has happened.  So many things have beat me down.  And just the other day I got another dose of "kick me in the balls".  I'm thinking that eating stress for breakfast is the least of my worries anymore as there seem to be bigger fish to fry.  Good thing I've come to like fish.

Moral of the story:

And I'll continue to smile and tell everyone I'm okay when really I'm just beat up, battered and bruised.  I'll be looking for that rainbow I've been in search of for so long.  Truth be told, I ALWAYS get back up after I've been knocked down.

**This is not intended to sound like a "oh woe is me pity party" but is merely a way for me to acknowledge how my world is revolving.  I'm ready to get back to my regularly scheduled programming!

2 comments:

Shan in Japan said...

Thanks for sharing! Hoping that naming the problem moves you through it!
Prayers for you, friend!

Jenny Holiday said...

Hey there! I popped over to thank you so much for visiting my blog and for leaving me a sweet comment. I'm hoping life has been a bit sunnier for you since you last blogged.

Here's to life being a bit less rollercoaster-ish.

Love from the Nj Shore,
xo Jenny

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