Saturday, October 28, 2006
Here I Am!
I've been told I need to update my blog so I guess that is what I must do. It isn't that I haven't wanted to do it, it's just that I've been focused on other things this month. Mostly, I've been spending my time trying to recover while working. You can see the battle wound I received from the little procedure I had earlier this month that has now left me with an inability to have children. It's probably not a good image but you get the idea. (I took the picture in front of the mirror thinking I could get a great image and not miss any of the bruising!) The entire left side of my left hand was bruised and let me say, it felt great when they blew out my vein trying to insert the IV for anesthesia. Those who know me know that I am not a fan of needles. In fact, I told my doctor that I would be a poor candidate for an IV drug user simply for that reason! The first couple days were tough and each day gradually got better but I really didn't start feeling myself until about the third week. I should have taken the entire week off of work and next time I will! teeheeheehee! I truly felt better last year after my heart surgery than after this minor (SO THEY CLAIM) procedure. I had lots of TLC from my sweet boyfriend and my kids really were so helpful and they didn't let me do anything I shouldn't. They really did take care of me well, something I'm still trying to get used to.
Here's the thing, I talked about this for quite sometime, knowing that me and more little ones was something that was just absolutely out of the question. Partly this was due to the fact that I feel I have been truly blessed with my perfect family, a boy first and a girl second. This means that my son can always watch over his sister and I will never have to worry about her being taken advantage of. Secondly, being the age that I am (and not that I am old, mind you) I am at the point where I want to live my life for myself which means I need to stop raising children at some time. I have hopes, dreams, and wishes of things for my life after raising my two. They truly are the picture-perfect children (okay, maybe not always and we've now just entered the teenage years so I'll have to reevaluate that comment in the coming months) and I honestly could not ask for more but I don't feel that I could tempt fate a third time. Remember the saying, 'third times a charm.' I feel the Big Guy upstairs knew exactly what he was doing when he sent me these little bundles of joy on loan. For all they have been through they are still the most well-rounded, well-adjusted, kind, caring and considerate kids I could ask for. Anyway, I did struggle with the 'idea' of not having any more children because it meant that I would never, ever again, have a child of my own. It would mean that I would never experience pregnancy the way I should have experienced it in my former life and having the support I so deserved. In fact, I still am a little on the fence about it but I truly know deep in my heart that I do not want another baby. I told my sister just the other day that I am enjoying living vicariously through her. Somehow for me I feel like that makes it okay.