Thursday, December 07, 2006

I'm trying...........

I had really good intentions, and I mean great ones, of keeping up with this blog and posting photos of art that I had been creating and other oddball things, but something happened along the way. My free time has dwindled down to next to nothing lately. I feel like I don't really even have a life outside of what needs to be done. It has something to do with having to work a full-time job with a commute time to/from work of nearly two hours per day and the incredible amount of stress I deal with there. It's crazy! By the time I get home from a long day at work I am totally wiped out. I mean I am drained. And then there's the kids on the nights when Eric is at work. Don't get me wrong, it's not the kids, it's just all that I have to do when I am home. I have total responsibility of the kids so that means figuring out what to cook and making sure the homework is done and taking care of the household duties because when Eric works he's truly not home for the 3-4 days a week of his schedule. See, he works in downtown Ft. Worth (55 miles one way) and has 12.5 hour days. It's really like I am a single mom which I am but not really since Eric is in our lives. Anyway, the poor guy leaves at 5:30 in the morning and does not get home until 9:00 at night. I honestly do not know how he does it but he does. Then there's the errands I run on the way home from work so I do not have to run them on the weekends with all the other errands I run which usually takes nearly all weekend. And I usually need a nap on one of those days because I need to catch up from all the sleep I lack during the week. I truly cannot live on less than my 8 hours of sleep every night. I was able to do that during the divorce but I was also working out like a maniac and working from home. That said.......there isn't time for much of anything. I am still trying to figure out how to make all this work 3 years after going back to work because we all know how badly I need my art. I am also trying to figure out how to fit in a gym schedule (since I can't go work out with one of my best friends who teaches BootCamp in Addison, TX). Working out really helped me feel like I was alive and it curbed all the stress and anger that I feel plus I could live off of less sleep and still be a fully functioning human being. Eric tells me that I am not the only working mom who feels this way but sometimes I feel so alone, like maybe I am the only one. I do have to say that I am so grateful that Eric came into our lives because with out him I can honestly say I do not have a clue where the kids and I would be. It sure is strange how things work out. I will admit that there are days when I am still so angry over everything that happened that I can hardly see straight. During the long span of time between two of these blogs I was really going through some stuff, trying to figure out what I was doing, how I got to where I am, how I feel about it, how I just wanted to run away, how I could possibly do it all (at least those things that I truly feel strongly that I should be doing), how long I will be angry at Todd and several others in my life whom I do not feel like they 'get' me and the strange thing is that they should know me so well.

I know, I am a mess but honestly, I feel much better today than I felt several weeks ago. It goes in spurts and there are times that are better than others. All of this came at a time when my job was going just horrible and the stress was really getting to me (which it still does on a daily basis but something has gotten better there, if only for the moment), things with my immediate family were not quite right and some of those things are still festering. Now to add to it I am searching for another job but am finding that I am not worthy of any of the jobs that I have applied for. I probably applied for 10-12 jobs and not one of them called me back. Yes, I did say NONE of them called me for an interview. I'm trying to convince myself that it is becuase I am way too qualified for the jobs that I have applied for but deep down I fear it is something more.........the almighty "I am not good enough" record is playing in my head.

I am waiting for the day Eric tells me I can quit my job and stay at home and pursue my *Dream* but I think reality is that it will be a while. We have even talked marriage so that the kids and I can be placed on his insurance (since they won't take us in under the Common Law bill, or whatever they call it here in Texas) and I can find something closer making less money and working less hours so I can be where I feel I need to be. Part of me thinks that is just silly but then again it totally makes sense. Hmmmm........

1 comment:

donnaj said...

TRUST ME, you are not the only mom to feel this way-and you can plan on it continuing until they are grown!

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