Monday, June 18, 2007

Does it ever seem to you that life just tends to throw things at you when you least expect it? That there is always something to be done? That things never seem to be marked off that ever-growing list of To-Do's without five more being added before you mark off the task you just completed? Do you ever stop and say "I am not becoming my mother, I am my mother?" I put this saying on my laundry room wall because I thought it was just so fitting. It has had me thinking about how life truly isn't a dress rehearsal but the real thing in real time.

I am always struggling to find the peace amidst the chaos that goes on in our house. I have recently been thinking about how life was so different back when I was growing up and my parents each had a job and it was only a 5 minute drive for my mom and less than a 10 minute drive for my dad. My commute was one hour to drive 20 miles and my fiance's commute is 70 minutes to drive 55 miles. Quite a difference from yesteryear. I have been remembering what it was like to play outside with my friends and there was never a fear of a predator lurking in the distance just waiting to attack. I remember the small town atmosphere where everyone knows everyone and just how it felt to be there, in that time, living in the moments that defined my childhood. When I was a little girl I can remember always saying that when I grew up I was going to live in the city. I sometimes now wish I had known then what I know now - that the city has it's positives but that the city also has its drawbacks. I sometimes long for the easy and simple life that we led as my sister and I were growing up. I wish that my sister and I lived closer to one another so that we could enjoy spending time together, doing things together, bouncing ideas and concerns off of each other rather than relying on the phone and mail for things that are important. (Thought balloon - front porch sitting in the swing drinking lemonade on a hot summer day while the kids play outside.) I think of my own children now as I listen to them argue and pick on one another. They are at the ages where they claim they cannot stand one another one minute but the next there is so much love pouring out between the two of them. I remember how that was the tune my sister and I danced to. It's funny how much things change but how they stay the same. My sister and I are each raising two children now but each at different phases of our lives and different ages. My sister has the little ones, 7 months and 3 years. I have the 11 1/2 and the almost 14 year old. I can hardly believe that in four years my son will be off to college. I can remember the day I left the nest for real. The day I moved 1500 miles from home. It is a bittersweet memory for me; one that will forever be etched in my head as I drove away from my family to never again be close enough to drive over for Sunday dinner, to spend holidays and birthdays with them as we did when my sister and I were growing up. I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes, life is not a dress rehearsal but life is more like a daily rehearsal, a rehearsal for the real thing in real time.

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