Tuesday, January 11, 2011

it's all "1's" today

Today's date is 1/11/11.  All 1's today.  It was really fun writing the date today at work.  It was funny how varied the dates that I did write looked.  Try writing that date on your own and see for yourself.  It's crazy to see how slanted or not slanted the 1's were each time you write them.  How much space was between them, or not.  How they looked when you used the "/" between the numbers.  I realize that's really random and off topic but it was just sort of fun!

Today is the first day of class for Soul Restoration.
Brave Girls Club
It is time, truth time.  Time to dig deep and find me.  I'm in there.  I know I am.  When I look in the mirror I see someone who does not look like me.  I feel like a stranger.  I don't feel like I know who that person is staring back at me.  I'm uncomfortable in my own skin.

That girl looking back wants to know what happened.  She's lost.  She's confused.  She's disappointed.  She's hurt.  She want to be set free.  She wants to feel like she used to.  She wants to believe like she used to.  She has a pretty good idea how she got lost and what happened.  It wasn't just one thing, although one very specific thing did have a very large impact on her life, but so many things over so many years.  The baggage that we all carry.  Each and every one of us.  We all have it.

If we all were just a little more caring of one another.  Had a bit more understanding.  Were less self-centered and selfish.  If it was less about the "me, me, me" and more about the "what can I do to help" or just extending an ear or maybe just a smile.  We all have to go through this life. 

The girl in the mirror is tired of all the pressure.  She's tired of all the lies.  She's tired of the blame.  She wants everyone to take their part and quit giving it to her.  She's tired of being strong, and brave.  She's always been strong, and brave.  Brave and strong are good...but sometimes it's too much.  Too much to handle all the time for just one person.  It's good that she has that in her.  That will always be in her.  No matter what and will be what always keeps her going.

When does it stop?  How does it feel to feel alive?  How does she know what to do, to make her life what she wants it to be?  How does she live her dream?  When do the "why's" stop?  When does the blaming stop?  When will it be okay?

She says she is always okay.  That's her standard issue statement.  Always okay.

She is aware she is blessed beyond measure. Sometimes it is hard to see because all she sees is "everything else" and all she hears are the lies.  All the stuff that everyone is filling her head with.  Sometimes she's filling her head with the lies as well.  She's doing that because that's what she has been told.  And she wrongly believes it.  The tapes are looping and never end.  She's not good enough.  Not pretty enough.  Not smart enough.  She's not enough.  She's not the artist she wants to be and never will be.  She's just not an artist.  She's selfish.  She's not nice.  She doesn't understand.  It's her fault.  She's wrong.  She did it.  She made me do it.  It's like constant chatter that does not stop, even when she is sleeping.  She even dreams like that.

She just wants to be set free.  So she can fly.
She wants her wings so she can once again fly.
Free to fly.
Soaring.  (My word of the year.)

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